Crash and burn

So it turns out that I was only on a reprieve and the sickness is sticking around. I was grateful for the break even if it was only for a short three days. It was a critical three days in a lot of things I have going on and I was grateful that Heavenly Father saw fit that I could be sickness free for a little bit. Yesterday and today it was crash time and I have been renewing my relationship with my "best friend".

16 weeks and counting. I still can't get my hands on my magic drug. My insurance company states it is not a covered drug. The only way to get it at this point is to get my doctor to fight them on it and since I am at a new Doctor's office this time they feel the sickness should be stopping since I am in my second trimester. I wish the second trimester was a magical thing for me like it is for so many. It is not and so the trial continues on.

On a side note I read a very personal and I am sure difficult post on a relatives blog. In it she describes the details, trials, feelings and difficulty of not being able to start a family. I am actually surrounded by so many that are suffering from the same thing. I honestly don't know the anguish and heartache that come with that specific trial. My heart truly breaks for her and the others that I know have this trial. I have spent hours talking with a couple of my friends about the problems and cry and pray with them. I personally don't know what else to do. However, at the same time I know that trials come in different forms. I certainly do not suffer from not being able to get pregnant, in fact, I was probably one of the people she referred to when she stated that their husbands look at her and she is pregnant. But I must admit I sometimes wish I had that trial rather than the physical suffering that I am currently dealing with. If I had that one I wouldn't dread getting pregnant when I feel so strongly it is time. If I had that one I wouldn't put it off for over six months trying to work up the courage to do what I know is right simply because I know the real trial of what is to come when I do. I think some of the biggest frustration for me personally is that I get lumped into the "same category" as everyone else who is or gets pregnant. Like I said I can't begin to imagine the pain, suffering and frustration that comes from not being able to get pregnant, and I do not try to sweep it aside, but I also don't have normal pregnancies. When I got pregnant with Bailey I was on birth control, had two very little babies at home, and honestly that pregnancy was the worst as far as sickness is concerned. I was resenting every single moment of the pregnancy. I even had a visiting teachee who had been struggling to get pregnant ask to be reassigned to a different VT because she couldn't handle seeing me be pregnant. I was unbelievably hurt, angry and miserable that I caused her pain especially when I didn't even want what I had been dealt. My physical trial lead to emotional, mental and even spiritual trial. I was definitely a wreck in every sense of the word. It was hard enough dealing with the trial myself and then having to worry that I was causing someone else pain. The feeling of that is not good. I felt like I was literally drowning and needed a life line so bad. After this I had someone ask me how it felt to be pregnant when others were hurting from infertility. She asked me what I was thinking having three kids so close together. She made comments that were outright rude. That was it for me. I yelled and screamed at that woman. I let my rage come out. If I hadn't held back a little I probably would have hit her as all of the emotion came crashing so brutally to the surface. She had NO IDEA what a struggle it really is for me. It is over nine months of Hell for a lack of better word. Yes, people know I get sick, but they don't understand the half of it. It wasn't until I was about 6 months along with that pregnancy and Josh asked me if I would even love this baby that I realized how selfish I was being and how much I had let the trial consume me. Because of the nursing and shots and other things I have to do, it is literally over a whole year of trial for me for each baby. By the time this baby is born it will have been 5 years of this one trial. 5 years!!! I know in the grand scheme of things that is minuscule, but it seems like an eternity when you are going through it. That doesn't include the other trials that come. And believe me, we have had our fair share of trials, not including pregnancy. Life has not been easy in any way. This is speaking personally because my situation is far more difficult than so many others, but it hurts to have people think that starting, having or whatever to have a family is easy. To not be able to start a family - I know it must hurt. I know that it is hard. To what degree I obviously don't know. But at least for me, pregnancy isn't the easy solution. There is a trial in everything. We all have our own trials. I learned a lot from that one pregnancy. First, I learned that even though this is an extremely hard trial for me I have to lean on my Heavenly Father and trust that I can get through it. I also learned in a very real way that we all have our own trials and we can't judge others for what it all seems on the outside. Not because I was judging someone, but because of the harsh judgment I personally received and now know first hand how it feels. We really have no understanding about the reality of the suffering. What may appear as this huge blessing because that is what we want in our own life, may be a tremendous burden and trial for the person going through that experience. I guess I let this out because I felt I wanted the flip side heard. It hurts a little to be lumped into one category of "pregnant". I know that because of the trial of my pregnancy experiences it becomes that much sweeter when the baby finally comes. I hope and pray that this dear relative and others suffering just like her will have that same sweetness when the time is right. I do know what it is like to have year long suffering over a trial, but I don't know that one. All I can do is sit here and cry for her (which I have been doing since I read her post yesterday), for her hurting, her trial, for her probably looking at me thinking she is pregnant again?? I am very sorry she is having this specific trial in her life. I do not diminish the pain that she feels at all - I know it is very real. She has every right to feel that pain and let it out. I do not know what it is like for her; I can't really comfort her in any way and I just wish I could take it away for her. I just want her to know that I love her and I want her to be happy.