Why am I awake?

Well, it is now 3:45am as I start typing, but I have been up and awake for quite some time now. I fell asleep rather quickly last night after a long, emotional, and very exhausting day. It has been emotional for me with ups and downs. Mostly with feelings of inadequacy and trying to fight off those terrible feelings that I know are not coming from a good source. I am trying hard not to ask the question "Why?" or "Why now?"

When I woke a couple of hours ago I tossed and turned and finally just had to get up and going on things to work through my thoughts. It is quiet. It is so dark outside. The house is still. Even the traffic from the freeway outside seems to be more quiet than usual. I have been cleaning and organizing things that I have wanted to for a while. Then turned to my blogging friends for some reports on their happenings. I was lifted by stories of hope, love, optimism and change.

Life is busy. Life is crazy. So many unexpected things constantly around the corner. Oh how I wish I could just see that tapestry of life that is being woven. Wouldn't it just make life a little easier? Right now I am trying desperately to walk by faith. I know that I follow my heart and try to do the very best I can, but most times it doesn't seem to be enough. I know I have been lackadaisical in my spiritual growth and sliding backwards. Now it is haunting me. Hence, where a lot of the feelings are coming from.

I am working to be better. Last night as I try to wind down the day I turned to my scriptures for reassurance and help. I needed to know that Heavenly Father was there. To love me, help me and give me strength that I need more than ever right now. I just pray that I have the strength to do what I am asked to do by my Heavenly Father. I often wonder where the strength will come from as more trials and responsibilities come my way. I was sharing the details of my thoughts and inadequacies with my sister earlier (I am so grateful that even on the other side of this planet, if I time it right, she is still only a phone call away!!!). The sweet, calm, non-judging voice on the other end reminded me that all things are happening through the direction of our Heavenly Father and He won't leave us alone to walk the path by ourselves. She gave me scriptures to read and ponder. I am grateful to have the example of my older sister.

I have been pondering those scriptures with many others that I read last night. The answer is simple. I need to work harder on myself spiritually so I can be the person He wants me to be. The rest will fall into place, right? I know the gospel is true. I know He does have a plan for me and my family. It is just the working of that plan requires so much work. I know that nothing of value comes easy. But I must admit it is harder than I ever thought it would be. For now, I make a new resolve to myself to be better. Not better for anyone else, but for myself.

The counterbalancing thought that Heavenly Father keeps putting in my head is the same, but the meaning and reasoning is so vastly different than it had been only two short weeks ago.

"If you are ever tempted to become discouraged or to lose faith...Hold on a little longer. You can do this! You are part of a special generation. You were prepared and preserved to live at this important time in the existence of our beautiful planet earth. You have a celestial pedigree and therefore have all the necessary talents to make your life an eternal success story."
"The Lord has blessed you with a testimony of the truth. You have felt His influence and witnessed His power. And if you continue to seek Him, He will continue to grant you sacred experiences. With these and other spiritual gifts, you will be able not only to change your own life for the better but also to bless your homes, wards or branches, communities, cities, states, and nations with your goodness."
"It may be hard to see that at times, but hold on a little longer.... Know and remember this: the Lord loves you. He remembers you. And He will ever sustain those who 'endure to the end'".

I just have to believe and know that this statement is true for everything in life. I will continue to hold on. I know that if I put in the work and do what I need to in my life then I will feel better and things will get a little easier each day.