Wearing

This is the start of my fourth week of bed rest. It has started to become very taxing and wearing on our family.

Although, I know Josh won't admit it, he has so much on his shoulders right now. I can see it in his face and actions how stressed and tired he is becoming. Between his long hours at work, still being the only member of the Bishopric in town (which has caused a lot of added evenings and things to do), then of course trying to do EVERYTHING here at home because I am required to be down. He is such a good man and never complains about any of it. In fact, when I try to get up to do something to help, he shows me added compassion and reminds me of the importance of why I am in bed.

The kids are getting restless. The girls still enjoy going to different people's homes, but when they get home I am getting reports that they are starting to get mouthy. With their attitude and behavior here I am not surprised. I am constantly talking to them about how people here love us and are trying to help us and they won't want to do that if they are rude and disrespectful. They are not normally like this but I know it can't be easy on them either, especially Brendon. He seems to be struggling the most of all the kids. Of course he is the one that doesn't understand that there is something wrong and that is why mom is down. The fits and crying have increased. He has started having potty accidents. He is not getting any naps so he is just plain tired in addition to everything else he is struggling with.

My other worry is our ward. They have been so generous and great with their time, but I fear that my children's behavior coupled with the fact that we are now in week four of helping (meals every day, child care, people helping where they can and have time with my house, etc) that it might be wearing on them as well. I know not a single soul would say anything to me if it is, but I worry about that too.

I can hardly wait until my Dr's appointment this week to find out where I am in the progression of labor and to see what our "final" plan is. I can't imagine that she would keep me on bed rest past this week, unless of course my blood pressure has gone up (which I don't have the majority of the physical symptoms that would make me think that is the case, but still - who knows at this point?). Still I feel like I have atrophied and when I do get up and go down stairs, or even up and around upstairs for that matter, I now have great pain, extreme loss of breath and energy, and of course extreme pressure. I am tired. I don't understand how I can be in bed all day and still be tired. I think I have so much weighing on my mind and heart that it doesn't allow me to really "rest" or nap through the day. At night the "having to get up to pee" every few hours has finally hit me so I am not sleeping soundly. I am sure it is just preparing me for what is to come - but honestly, I would still rather be sleeping well. Is it possible to store up sleep?!?! I wish!!!!!

This I know, I was given a blessing in which I was promised that I would be able to endure through this. I am not worried about myself, but so many others who this has had a ripple affect on. I am to the point that I feel we are safe enough and it would just be better for everyone if this baby came. I know my Dr won't do the C-Section unless my blood pressure goes up or I start to progress quickly. So, the wishful thinking and preparing has begun. Let's see where the rest of the week takes us.